Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

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Schmoozing With Your Girlfriends is Great for Your Health!

Friday, March 18th, 2011

I just got this message in an email from the wonderful Dr. Jennifer Mieres, cardiologist extraordinaire, and a medical expert I interviewed for The Best of Everything After 50. Read on, and smile . . .

Subject: Good friends

They teach this at Stanford (and to think that we already knew this!!)

A thought to share…and sooooo true…

“I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection-the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time” helps us to create more serotonin-a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings?-rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.

There’s a tendency to think that when we are “exercising” we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged–not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. Sooooo let’s toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it’s very good for our health.”

Cheers!

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SEX AFTER 50: THE BEST YOU’LL EVER HAVE?

Friday, March 11th, 2011

My husband and I met in the sweltering summer of 1992 and started rocking and rolling immediately. But from the moment we got married a year later, we were 1) thinking about getting pregnant, 2) in a state of pregnancy, 3) recovering from pregnancy or 4) enjoying (and coping with) the results of pregnancy: babies, toddlers and, now, two teenagers. It wasn’t exactly conducive to swinging from chandeliers.

During those early years, sex was focused more on a result (children), but that’s no longer the case. Like most couples over 50, we are free to have sex pretty much whenever we want. But, do we?

I tried to find some statistics about how many times per week married Americans over 50 made love (with each other), but there were so many different studies saying so many different things, it was hard to suss out the truth. One stated that married couples over 50 had sex once or twice a week, while another claimed it was closer to once or twice a month.

Confused and in need of more information, I met with Dr. Margaret Nachtigall, a reproductive endocrinologist in New York City, who shared some statistics from a study done by The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior:

A study of married couples found age and marital satisfaction to be the two variables most associated with amount of sex. As couples age, they engage in sex less frequently, with half of couples age 65-75 still engaging in sex, but less than one fourth of couples over 75 still sexually active. Across all ages, couples who reported higher levels of marital satisfaction also reported higher frequencies of sex.

This study left me feeling that the older we got, the less we got it. Not good.

I raised this topic with some girlfriends one night over a bottle of wine, hoping to get insights into their concerns, and (yes, I admit it) how often they had sex (with their partners).

We all had the same question: I love my husband and he loves me, so why aren’t we having as much hot sex as we used to? We want to have sex, but sometimes we just aren’t into it. How do we get in the mood? We all hated thinking that things were slowing down, and that they might slow down even more. For sure, menopause can sometimes make sex uncomfortable, and our libido can drop off. But just because a woman is post-menopausal, does she automatically lose interest? Forever? Was that my future? Was I supposed to lock this door and throw away the key?

I was getting worried. And whenever I get worried, I do research. Finally, someone suggested I meet with Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, which explores many of the questions my friends and I were confronting – specifically, why couples who have been together for a very long time often can’t sustain a rich, enjoyable sexual life … together. Esther was particularly eager to find out because in her view, sex after 50 may be the best sex we’ll ever have.

First, she said, we had to address some long-held views about sex after 50 that may not be true.

  • Women over 50 are sexually dysfunctional due to menopause. According to Esther’s research, the majority of women over 50 are sexually healthy. Sexual problems that are menopause-related can be addressed with simple solutions like lubricants or estrogen.
  • Men think women over 50 are sexually undesirable. Esther has rarely encountered a man who says his low sex drive is related to how his wife looks, or her age. But, he will be turned off if she has stopped being interested in sex. Men want women who want sex.
  • If you’re not having spontaneous sex, it must mean your sex life is over. When, Esther asked, was sex ever spontaneous? When you were first together, you had sex on your mind for hours, maybe even days, leading up to the experience. In many cases, you set the date, thought about it, planned the evening — even what to wear. It may have seemed spontaneous, but it wasn’t. Good sex is planned sex.
  • If a couple is having less sex, it’s her fault. News flash: If a woman over 50 is having less sex, chances are it’s him, not her. In men, low sex drive is often related to health problems or medications he may be on, many of which are known to create some sexual functioning challenges. Men aren’t used to needing stimulation, and it can be troubling. Sometimes he’ll just avoid it, causing the woman to think he’s no longer attracted to her — which results in a sexual Catch-22.
  • If you want to have a better sex life, you need to get closer. On the contrary, Esther says, excess information and over-sharing can put the kibbosh on desire, while a little mystery can fuel sexual attraction. Creating an erotic space between you and your partner is essential for good sex. (I share lots of tips on how to do that in The Best of Everything After 50.)

Then, we explored the three main tools that women can use to get into the mood:

  • Arousal – Watch a movie or read a book, have a fantasy, put on some sexy lingerie. Many things can arouse us. Arousal can lead to desire, and desire leads to sex. Figure out what gets you going and use it when you need it.
  • Desire – Desire means wanting to be turned on. With this entry point, you want to get aroused, and you want to actively engage in getting turned on with your partner.
  • Willingness – This is the most important entry point for women over 50. If you’ve been ignoring, neglecting or denying your sexual self for a while, then you must consciously decide that you want sex in order to even let yourself feel desire. We talk ourselves into doing things all the time – going out to an event, cooking dinner – but people don’t think about talking themselves into having sex (and they often confuse it with “pity sex”). This makes complete and total sense to me … and, even better, it works!

So here’s the big reveal: After 50, we’re at a sexual crossroads, and need to make a choice: We could go through menopause, shut down that part of ourselves, lock the door and throw away the key. Or we could embrace this new life with a sense of freedom and fun – no more periods, no more worries about getting pregnant, no more doing it because there has to be a result. You may very well find yourself having the best sex … ever!

And finally, one little bit of advice: Stop looking for studies about how often other people have sex. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors (no matter what they say to the survey interviewer). And … who cares?

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THE SEVEN BIGGEST MISTAKES WE MAKE IN MIDLIFE (and how to avoid them)

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

A few months ago the editors at Health.com wrote an article –”11 Mistakes Women Make in Middle Age” — which was based on an interview with me about my book,“The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts’ Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More.”

It generated so much attention that other media outlets have run the story since then, including Yahoo Shine, thirdage.com, and The Huffington Post. A producer at “The Today Show” saw it and invited me to be a guest on the show last week, talking about what I’ve learned from my research. I now refer to it as “the article that keeps on giving.”

No matter where the article pops up, it gets a lot of hits, shares and comments from readers, because many of us are unsure about the right steps to take for better health, fitness, beauty and style. It can be a very confusing time, which is the main reason I decided to research and write the book.

The most important thing I learned is this: health and fitness should be our top priorities after 50 because the better we feel, the better we look, and age becomes irrelevant. Simplify your life, pare back to the basics, and embrace your age — no matter what it is — with pride, confidence and attitude.

Simple, but not always easy, because by the time we hit 50 we’re often set in our ways. To break out of our health, exercise, eating, style, hair, makeup and skincare ruts, let’s start by taking a look at some of the most common mistakes we make, in addition to those listed in “11 Mistakes Women Make in Middle Age.”

Feeling Invisible
I’m 54, and part of the largest single demographic group in the history of the world. Our buying power is huge, and we are a political powerhouse. Invisible? Hardly. But as I entered my 50s, I sometimes felt as though I was being pushed aside, ignored and not young or interesting enough to have a voice in the world, as I once did. Luckily, I got a grip, and realized that we have to ignore the noise, embrace our age, not be afraid of it, accept that change is happening, and figure out the best way to address those changes, forging ahead with health and vitality.

Being Afraid of Aging
The best advice I can give you is this: be fearless after 50. Fear will stop you from pursuing your dreams, and could cause you to give up and give in, keeping you a prisoner in your comfort zone. This is the simple concept I learned from researching, writing and living the advice in my book; If you’re healthy, you feel good. If you feel good, you look good. If you feel good and look good and have a vision for your future, you feel even better. If you’ve got all that plus the knowledge how to stay that way, you feel amazing. And if you feel amazing, who cares about age?

Losing Control of Your Life
When I hit 50, I started to feel as though society had already mapped out my future: I would grow older, fade into the background, continue to pack on post-menopausal pounds, and decide that this was probably going to be how it was going to be. That’s where I was headed until I stopped in my tracks, and said no. Instead, I retreated, revised and re-emerged: I took control, and created a new future for myself which includes exercise, healthy eating, smart skincare, easy makeup and hair, simple style, and a whole new attitude. We can’t control getting older, but we can control how we do it.

Getting Overwhelmed by Too Much Information
Knowledge is power, right? So when I turned 50, I went on a quest to find the answers. I searched the Internet, bookstores and magazines, but it soon turned into information overload. Everybody had an opinion — and most of them conflicted with each other: Eat more protein. No, eat less protein. Take supplements. No, get all your nutrition from foods. You can wear jeans after 50. You can absolutely not wear jeans after 50. And everybody, it seems, wants to sell us something to lose weight or get rid of wrinkles. I was ready to throw the proverbial blanket over my head and stay there. Then one day, it hit me. I didn’t want lots of information; I wanted the best information on what I need to know now about getting older. So, I cut through the noise, and figured out what really works, and what doesn’t.

Ignoring Your Inner Kid
Smile, play, laugh, have fun, engage, connect. These are all essential for healthy aging. Don’t take yourself, or the world, too seriously. There will always be problems, but do we have to constantly dwell on them? Do you remember how much fun it was when you were a kid to just get outside and run around? I do that with my dog. We run (with walk breaks) four to five miles several times a week. Not only am I keeping my weight at a healthy level and exercising my heart, but all studies have shown that physical activity raises your endorphins and makes you feel good. Play games, engage in a hobby, stay in close touch with friends who care about you, and steer clear of those who don’t. Volunteer, and say Yay! as often as you can. It’s contagious.

Feeling Sorry for Yourself
It’s not always easy getting older, especially if you, or loved ones, are experiencing illness, loss, or difficult financial times. But, feeling sorry for yourself is counter-productive, as it only serves to keep you stuck where you are. Instead, take control, figure out what you need to make your situation easier (or at least, more tolerable), get help from others if you need it, and create a vision of your life which includes getting and staying fit, so you can more readily shoulder whatever comes your way in the future.

Not Having a Financial Plan
I interviewed Jane Bryant Quinn, the internationally known financial expert and author, for my book. Jane is a conservative thinker when it comes to financial planning, and she gave me some very good advice for people approaching 50: as we’re heading toward retirement — which probably won’t happen until we’re closer to 70 due to many converging factors — we have to ask ourselves how we’re going to afford to live. One of the most stressful things any of us can go through is financial uncertainty. This is where the simple part comes in: save more, and spend less. No magic… just basic common sense. And understand the different kinds of insurance we need as we get older. You may want to consider hiring a fee-only financial planner to get started.

The last paragraph of my book succinctly sums up my simple philosophy on living a good life after 50, and I’d like to share it with you here:

For the rest of your life: love yourself, love your life, stay as healthy as you can, move your body, be informed, stay engaged, use your mind, keep a handle on your finances, be bold, be brave, walk with confidence, live with style . . . and you will always have the best of everything.

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IN PRAISE OF OLDER MOTHERS

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

Full disclosure: I am an older mother. My first daughter was born when I was almost 38, and my youngest entered the world three days before my 41st birthday. Even though I’m 54 and going through the tumultuous teenage years, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Usually, I don’t think about it, except when I attend a meeting at my 13-year old daughter’s school and look around to see the faces of the other parents who are easily 10 years younger. This week, however, several articles appeared on the Huffington Post, focusing on the qualities that constitute a “superior mother,” and others on the challenges of aging, creating a perfect storm in my head, and inspiring me to think about the benefits of being an older mother.

Most American women enter motherhood during their twenties and thirties, many even in their teens. However, according to a study from the Pew Research Center, teen births are on the decline, but women who have their first babies after age 35 is on the rise. Clearly, I’m not alone.

The demography of motherhood in the United States has shifted strikingly in the past two decades. In 1990, there were more births to teenagers than to women ages 35 and older. By 2008, that had reversed — 14 percent of births were to older women and 10 percent were to teens. Births to women ages 35 and older grew 64 percent between 1990 and 2008, increasing in all major race and ethnic groups.

No matter what age one is when becoming a parent, the truth is, none of us are ever fully prepared. But, I believe that, generally speaking, older mothers — especially those who have spent time in the workplace (often the main reason why women delay having babies) — are often better equipped to handle the trials and tribulations of motherhood, and everything that comes with it, than their younger counterparts.

After graduating college in 1978, I immediately became the quintessential working woman, and building my career was the sole focus of my universe. I was attending graduate school, and working full time, leaving little room for much else. Getting married and having children was always part of my “life plan,” but not while I was working so hard to establish myself in the world, and gaining considerable knowledge and skills that I instinctively knew would come in handy when I finally became a mother. The Pew Research Center report suggests that this is one of the key reasons why women delayed starting families until later in life during the last twenty years:

Since 1990, birth rates have risen for all women ages 30 and older. The rate increases have been sharpest for women in the oldest age groups — 47 percent for women ages 35-39 and 80 percent for women ages 40-44, for example.

This delay in age of motherhood is associated with delay in age of marriage and with growing educational attainment. The more education a woman has, the later she tends to marry and have children. Birth rates also have risen for the most educated women, those with at least some college education, while being relatively stable for women with less education. These dual factors have worked together to increase the education levels of mothers of newborns.

Associate Professor of Communication and Culture at the University of Calgary, Aradhana Parmar, who is also a professor of Women’s Studies, supported this premise in a recent article. She believes passionately that women can benefit considerably from the ability to have later pregnancies, and emphasized that there are far more women professionals in the workplace than at any time in history; by the time they have built their careers and furthered their education, many are in their 30s before they are able to “settle down” to family life.

That was me. By the time I met my future husband, I was ready for marriage, and for motherhood. During my twenties and thirties, I attended graduate school, did research projects, started a magazine, and eventually became a top executive at a major publishing company, where I was responsible for managing many people, with many different kinds of personalities. Along the way, I learned invaluable skills and tools that are important for success in business, and absolute essential in motherhood. For example:

  • fostering creativity and problem solving
  • building confidence in others
  • encouraging positive and respectful negotiation
  • promoting cooperation, especially between siblings
  • managing schedules
  • understanding finances

One of the most important benefits to my family, however, was the fact that since I had already spent two decades building a career, by the time I became a mother, I was able to spend more time on building my family life, and less on my work. Work was, and still is, very important to me, but after having my children, my priorities were able to shift without a lot of things falling out of place. And, I truly felt that I no longer needed to prove myself, which is one of the many benefits of getting older.

You might think, rightly so, that there are many women who are, and have been, building careers and starting families in their twenties and thirties, and can bring the same set of management skills to their mothering, as I did to mine. Of course they can, and they do.

The key is this: It was my choice. Society did not impose its will on me, as it had on my mother and grandmother’s generations. I was able to pursue a career and wait to start my family because that’s what I chose to do. And, except for the occasional musing of how I’m going to keep up with two extremely energetic teenagers who are growing into two strong, beautiful young women, I know that, for me, I have chosen wisely.

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THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE. REALLY.

Saturday, July 3rd, 2010

This morning, after my run (with walk breaks!) in Central Park with Gunther the Wonder Dog, as I was leaving the park to go home,  I noticed a teenager wearing a brightly colored t-shirt with these words: “The Best Things in Life Are Free.”

Tom Petty was still serenading me through my iPhoneearbuds and my mind started to meander while walking the half-mile home.

Are the best things in life really free? Are they really the best?  I started a mental list of those things that really and truly are free, and then some that are pretty cheap that they could almost slide right into the “free” box without anyone noticing.  A review . . .

  • love — the love you give and the love you get
  • the moon
  • the sun
  • the stars
  • your faith — whatever it is, even if you get persecuted for it, it is still yours
  • your conscience — Thomas More, in the 16th Century, had this one down pat.  Your conscience is yours to do with what you will, and only you can look at yourself in the mirror every night at the end of every day and tell yourself that you truly did the right thing, and that you lived each moment according to what you believed was right
  • running (with walk breaks) — some experts even think we should be running with no shoes at all, like our ancestors, which would make this truly free, but I still suggest investing in a good pair of running/walking shoes :)
  • your thoughts — whether you choose to share them, or keep them to yourself, they are free
  • friendship
  • happiness — we can choose whether to live our lives in a state of happiness with moments of unhappiness (which is completely normal, as no one can be happy 24/7, especially with the troubles we see in the world every day) OR we can choose to live in a state of unhappiness with moments of happiness (don’t choose this option if you can help it)
  • laughter — laugh every day . . . because no matter what is going on, there is always something else we can laugh about, even if for a moment
  • sex
  • reading – go to a library and check out a book, or borrow one from a friend
  • push-ups and sit-ups — these are so free it’s laughable . . . you could be buck naked and still do them
  • compassion — be tender of heart, and the world will be a better place
  • honesty
  • eating healthier — okay, it’s not free BUT . . . eating less processed food, less meat and more vegetables, whole grains, beans and fruit is ALOT CHEAPER
  • attitude – You can’t buy your attitude
  • singing — even when my daughters roll their eyes at me, I sing whenever I feel like it, which is often
  • PBS and NPR — although it would be nice if we all gave them donations once in a while to keep those free programs going
  • Central Park — and other parks around the country
  • Facebook – well, it’s free for now

What do you think are the best things in life?  And, are they free?  Let me know . . .

Best of everything,

Barbara

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SEX: WE’RE MORE THAN THE SUM OF OUR URGES

Friday, May 14th, 2010

According to Dr. Helen Fischer, the brilliant biological anthropologist, there is an ancient human tendency to marry and remarry, which she calls the “four year itch.”  Millions of  years ago (and even more recently than that) it was assumed that if a child lived to see age four, she would survive. The “parents” were then free to move on to new sexual adventures, and the child would be passed on to the group, where the “it takes a village” mentality would kick in.  

This dates back millions of  years to a time when men and women were EQUALS on many different levels–economically, socially and sexually. Some gathered, some hunted. But there’s one thing they all did, rather equally and frequently — they had sex.  They had to!!  How else could the human race survive and thrive?  The only way to secure the future was to have lots and lots of sex, with lots and lots of different partners. 

And, boy did they ever!  Well, we’re all  here, so I guess the system worked.

While all this hanky panky was going on, different hormones kicked in with each new sexual experience, to increase the pleasure . . . creating a feeling of passion and euphoria, causing everyone to want more, more, more. Clearly, the human body was designed to be this highly efficient hunting, gathering, sexual, procreating machine.

Okay, why am I telling you this?

 To try to make some sense out of why people have affairs.  Why so many men AND women risk everything–families, jobs, lives–for a night or two (or more) of passion. At a lecture I attended recently, Dr. Fischer proclaimed that we have affairs because we are BIOLOGICALLY HARD-WIRED to have them, that we can’t help ourselves. Men need to spread the sperm and women need to procreate. Simple.

BUT, thankfully she also believes in free will. We may be programmed to do this, but it doesn’t mean we have to. And, that’s the crux of it. Isn’t it better to focus our energies and love and bodies on the partner with whom we chose to make a home and a family?  I am not being a prude or judgemental . . . but very practical. 

Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity” and the expert I consulted for my chapter on sex in THE BEST OF EVEYTHING AFTER 50, explained the psychology behind it all.  Very often, people (men and women) have affairs because they have lost something or someone in the last year or two.  Perhaps someone close to them died, or left home, or they lost a job.  Even more profound, Esther has found that women especially can feel as though they’ve lost a part of themselves, and by having an affair, they can reclaim it.  For both men and women, it can be neatly tied up in a big bow and called “midlife crisis.” Interestingly enough, people usually don’t have affairs because they no longer love their partners. 

So, we’re presented with a mixed bag of biological and psychological tendencies to cheat.  All of us. Seems as though none of us are immune.

What to do? 

I spent a great deal of time with Esther when researching and writing my chapter on sex.  And it really comes down to this: unless you’re in a relationship that is detrimental to your physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological well being . . . you should fight against these tendencies with every ounce of will power you have. 

We’re over 50. Maybe we’re bored with our partners, or annoyed by those same qualities and characteristics that we found so charming twenty years  ago. Or, sex has slowed down because you’re both tired, over-worked, too busy. There are zillions of reasons one could give as to why sex is often placed on the back burner, and why you might want to succumb to the urges that are inherent in all of us, and have a fling with someone new. 

But, consider this: Why not make that “someone new”  . . . the partner you already have? 

How?

Ahhhhh.  Excellent question. That’s the next blog . . .

Best of Everything,

Barbara

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