Archive for February, 2011

Do You Feel Pretty?

Monday, February 28th, 2011

There have been quite a few articles published recently about how people, especially women, “deal with” getting older. I thought some of the articles, and some comments, were a tad too critical of women who want to look attractive as they age. News flash: there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel pretty. Nothing, no matter how old you are.

Yesterday, I heard one of my favorite Jefferson Airplane songs –”Pretty As You Feel” — on the radio (yes, I listen to the radio), and I was struck by the simple truth of its lyrics:

You’re only pretty as you feel
Only pretty as you feel inside
You’re only pretty as you feel
Just as pretty as you feel inside

When you wake up in the morning
Comb your hair
Rub some sleep from your eye
Look inside your mirror

Don’t give vanity a second chance
No, no, no
Beauty’s only skin deep
It goes just so far ’cause
You’re only pretty as you feel
Just as pretty as you feel inside
You’re only pretty as you feel inside

I’ve always loved this song, but even more so now, as it mirrors my heartfelt philosophy that 1) we are all beautiful no matter what our age, shape or size; and 2) the prettiest women are those who feel pretty.

It can be excruciatingly hard to embrace that philosophy, though, when we’re constantly bombarded by images of rail-thin, young models and actresses who do not reflect the reality of most women, and especially women over 50. It can be very challenging to our self esteem when we’re flipping through magazines geared (allegedly) to us, and see models who are 10 or 20 years younger. It’s hard to relate. And, it can be very hard to feel pretty.

A few months ago, I wrote an article that ran on The Huffington Post – “Plastic Surgery on Your Mind? Before You Do That, Do This” — which generated a great deal of discussion and debate (exactly what I aim for every time I post an article). So many women bemoaned the fact that it can be difficult in our youth-centric society to feel pretty, which is the main reason why they often choose to have (or think about having) plastic surgery or less-invasive procedures like Botox, fillers, and the like. (Note: I have no issue with anyone having any kind of procedure, but I only hope that a woman (or man) who takes that path does so because she wants to look better, and not younger.)

Feeling pretty is one of the most positive feelings a woman can have, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with age, weight or shape. This can be a confusing point for women who often equate “pretty” with “age” as in “I’m too old to be pretty” or “I used to be pretty, but not any longer” or “I must be invisible now that I’m older because I’m not as pretty as I once was.” Of all the words that are used to describe how a woman looks, “pretty” is the one that is most closely connected to an image of youth.

I think that is wrong thinking.

Here’s a simple thing that every woman, everywhere, should embrace: Every day, find a reason to feel pretty. There’s nothing wrong, and everything right, with wanting to feel pretty. Feeling pretty makes you feel good. Feeling pretty makes you feel sexy. Feeling pretty makes you feel happy. Feeling pretty makes you feel powerful. Feeling pretty makes you feel positive.

Did you ever feel pretty and not feel good about yourself?

There are so many easy ways to feel pretty: wear a new dress; try a little pink lipstick; smile at someone; flirt a little; put on a sexy bra. I feel pretty after I’ve gone for a run and my cheeks are glowing, or if I feel good in an outfit I’m wearing. If you’re not feeling pretty, do something to turn that around. It won’t always be easy. Life has a way of sometimes dragging us down and making us feel anything but pretty. People can do that to us, too. But, remember this: every woman deserves to feel pretty.

Singer and activist Melissa Etheridge says in “Daring To Be Ourselves“:

You are more powerful than you know;
you are beautiful just as you are.

So true.

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What Can Arianna Huffington Teach Us About Women, Power and the Art of Being Fearless?

Monday, February 21st, 2011

When I looked up the definition of “power,” several words came up that were accurate, but disconcerting — authority, control, strength, force — often connected to “over” as in “control over, authority over” and so on.

In the introduction to her excellent new book, “No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change How We Think About Power,” feminist and activist, Gloria Feldt writes:

We can start by changing the very meaning of power from an oppressive power-over to an expansive concept I call the power-to. And if we muster the courage to stand in our power and walk with intention, we can achieve our highest aspirations at work, in civic life, and in love for good — by which I mean we can transform power relationships for our own good and create good in the world for others.

This kind of power is at the very heart of Arianna Huffington’s success.

I jumped on The Huffington Post bandwagon — as a reader — almost from the start (full disclosure: I now write weekly for the site, focusing primarily on issues that are important to people over 50) and have seen it morph from its business and political roots to become the diverse content powerhouse it is now, with sections devoted to style, entertainment, health, travel, technology, divorce and more, while maintaining its strong political voice. In fact, only 15 percent of the traffic comes for politics, showing just how far The Huffington Post has evolved. Arianna and those with whom she shares editorial power — the editors, bloggers, and readers — have their fingers placed firmly on the global pulse… attracting nearly 25 million unique visitors to the site each month, and counting.

The concept is simple: invite people to create communities through blogging, commenting, and sharing on other social media such as Facebook and Twitter. We, the people, become the arbiters. By sharing her powerful position — as the leader of this site — with us, she made The Huffington Post even more powerful. I have been able to write about feminism being the new moral compass for change in the world, aboutfeeling invisible after turning 50, the mistakes many of us make in midlife, and about what we feel like when our hair starts to turn gray. All of us who regularly blog for the site can raise important issues, and start big conversations which often generate hundreds of comments, and continue on other social media. It’s exciting and empowering.

With the sale of The Huffington Post to AOL, Arianna is the toast of the media world (old and new), and rightly so. She created something with a relatively small investment of $1,000,000, (and many skeptics), and a few years later, sold it for $315 million. That’s pretty powerful stuff. However, even though this marriage between The Huffington Post and AOL seems to make good business sense on many levels, there will be detractors, some of whom have already started to air their views in the media.

Why? Arianna figured out early on that the key to power was to share it. And that makes some people uncomfortable, especially those who run traditional media. Here’s a snippet from an article by Washington bureau chief of The Daily Beast, Howard Kurtz:

Whatever her site’s flaws, Huffington saw a void in the market in 2005, well before Politico, The Daily Beast, or Twitter existed. And that says as much about the old media giants as about her business judgment. “Why didn’t The Washington Post or The New York Times or CNN create The Huffington Post?” Jarvis (Jeff Jarvis, a City University of New York journalism professor) asks. ‘It’s too populist for them. They still think they’re the source of content and value and didn’t see the value in other people’s content.’

We, especially women, have a natural desire to share what we know with others dating back to the proverbial picket fence that separated yards where women would share gossip, news and recipes. As I see it, The Huffington Post is one great big virtual fence, on which readers and writers can casually drape their arms and engage in the conversation. In this arena, no one dictates the discourse… except us.

In “Daring to Be Ourselves,” a beautiful book filled with quotes from some of the world’s most influential women, activist and actress Jane Fonda had this view of power:

Women view power differently. It’s not power over; it’s power with. It’s about empowering others.

From the same book, Elizabeth Lesser, cofounder of the Omega Institute, said:

What would happen if women became empowered and could lead from their core basic values? Not just put women into a structure that is up-down power, like ‘I have power over you,’ but what if women could actually influence the way power is wielded in the world from a core feminine place?

It’s ironic that my recent article on The Huffington Post – “Feeling Invisible? Readers Speak Out” — ignited a big conversation with hundreds of comments about how people over 50 feel ignored, pushed aside, stripped of power, and filled with fear about the future, even though we are part of the largest demographic in history, when the person behind the site hosting the discussion is a role model for all who are afraid of speaking up, speaking out, taking risks, and a woman who firmly believes that by sharing power, anything is possible.

Learn from Arianna Huffington, as I have: stay current; share power; maintain and grow your network of contacts; be on the lookout for opportunities; engage in technology and social media; take care of your health (a “top read” post on HuffPost this week is an interview with Arianna about the importance of sleep); connect with the world; and keep a positive attitude. It’s simple, really: believe in yourself and miracles can happen.

The most important lesson we can learn from Arianna Huffington, though, comes from her best-selling book, “On Becoming Fearless”:

We have so much potential, yet we hold ourselves back. If women of all ages are to take their rightful place in society, they must become fearless.

Powerful words . . . from a powerful woman.


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THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE . . . FREE?

Friday, February 11th, 2011

Ah, Money.

Money. It’s something we all need. Whether you work for it, inherited it, saved for it, married into it, won the lottery, or some combination thereof, when you start to inch toward midlife, just make sure you have a plan so there’s some left over for you to live on… and enjoy.

Financial issues can be complicated, frustrating and emotionally charged, but dealing with these things now will ensure that we’re not scrambling in the future. These days we’re facing global economic circumstances that aren’t terribly reassuring, as well as more personal financial concerns — aging parents, college expenses for those of us who still have kids in school, and the precariousness of our own careers as we get older.

House of Cards

For decades, though, so many of us have spent time — and usually too much money — on acquiring more stuff than we could possibly ever need or use, often generating more debt than we could handle. Getting credit was too easy, and a lot of us took advantage.

Are You an Ant or a Grasshopper?

This was a reality for many people in the baby boomer generation, and even those of us who were more like Aesop’s fabled ants — spending the summer busily gathering up food for the winter while the grasshopper basked in the sun — saw our personal savings drop when the financial freefall started in 2008. The grasshopper lives for today; the ant plans for tomorrow. Most of us have both the ant and the grasshopper fighting it out inside our heads. But, after 50, tomorrow is fast becoming today. So how do we stop the battle, and take charge of our finances and our lives right now?

Consider this simple idea: stop spending and start saving.

Stop Spending and Start Saving

In “The Best of Everything After 50,” there are tips on how to follow through on this idea, especially on how best to save, in the chapter on money — “Money: Strategies for Simplifying Your Finances” — based on interviews I had with some of the worlds most respected authorities including Jane Bryant Quinn andJason Zweig. Many people, though, have a much more difficult time keeping the wallet safely inside the pocket. Slowing down your spending is not easy, especially when living in a country where there’s an overabundance of choices, and a media constantly flashes messages — subliminal and otherwise — trying to convince us to keep up with the Joneses.

The Best Things In Life Are Free?

A few days ago I walked past a store, and there was a t-shirt in the window with these words splashed across the front: “The Best Things In Life Are Free.” When I got home, I made a list of all the things that are truly meaningful and important to me, and are absolutely free. Of course, my love for, and from, my family and friends are top of the list, but there are so many wonderful, enjoyable, meaningful “free things” that are essential to my well-being and happiness, that, short of my basics (food, clothing, shelter) I could probably put my credit cards away forever.

Here’s a “The Best Things In Life Are Free” Starter List:

Love — the love you give and the love you get.
Your Faith — whatever it is, it is yours to follow.
Your Conscience — During the reign of King Henry VIII, Sir Thomas More followed his conscience — to his death — and stood behind what he believed was right. Only you can look yourself in the mirror every night at the end of every day and tell yourself that you truly did the right thing, according to your own conscience, and you didn’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.
Your Thoughts — whether you choose to share them, or keep them to yourself.
Happiness — In most cases, we can choose to live our lives in a state of happiness with moments of unhappiness (it’s the rare person who can be happy 24/7), or we can choose to be unhappy with moments of happiness.
Laughter — Laugh every day, because no matter what’s going on in the world or in your life, you can find a little humor in just about everything.
Compassion — Be tender of heart, and the world will be a better place.
Reading — Go to a library and check out a book or magazine, or borrow from a friend.
Walking — I started a walking program a few years ago, and eventually added running into the mix. You can do this anytime, anywhere. The only cost is a pair of running or walking shoes. You’ll be exercising your body, and your mind.
Push-ups and Sit-ups: These are two of the most basic, and yet effective, exercises you can do (20 of each every day), and they are absolutely free.
Singing — Even when my two teenaged daughters roll their eyes at me, I sing pretty much whenever I feel like it, which is quite often.
Central Park — It’s one of my personal “Great Wonders of the World” but there are community parks everywhere for us to enjoy.
Eating Healthy Foods — True, it’s not free, but choosing to eat healthy foods costs no more than eating unhealthy foods.
Sex — Engaging in a loving, intimate relationship with your partner is one of the most beautiful expressions of love I can imagine.
Attitude — My article last week was about feeling invisible – “Feeling Invisible? HuffPost Readers Speak Out” — but even that is a choice. Choose living your life with a good, positive attitude, and without fear.

There are free concerts, lectures, tastings (wine and food), and so many other wonderful ways to enjoy life . . . at no cost, and in my ongoing effort to “spend less and save more,” I’m always on the lookout for great ideas.

What is your “The Best Things in Life Are Free?” list?

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THE SEVEN BIGGEST MISTAKES WE MAKE IN MIDLIFE (and how to avoid them)

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

A few months ago the editors at Health.com wrote an article –”11 Mistakes Women Make in Middle Age” — which was based on an interview with me about my book,“The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts’ Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More.”

It generated so much attention that other media outlets have run the story since then, including Yahoo Shine, thirdage.com, and The Huffington Post. A producer at “The Today Show” saw it and invited me to be a guest on the show last week, talking about what I’ve learned from my research. I now refer to it as “the article that keeps on giving.”

No matter where the article pops up, it gets a lot of hits, shares and comments from readers, because many of us are unsure about the right steps to take for better health, fitness, beauty and style. It can be a very confusing time, which is the main reason I decided to research and write the book.

The most important thing I learned is this: health and fitness should be our top priorities after 50 because the better we feel, the better we look, and age becomes irrelevant. Simplify your life, pare back to the basics, and embrace your age — no matter what it is — with pride, confidence and attitude.

Simple, but not always easy, because by the time we hit 50 we’re often set in our ways. To break out of our health, exercise, eating, style, hair, makeup and skincare ruts, let’s start by taking a look at some of the most common mistakes we make, in addition to those listed in “11 Mistakes Women Make in Middle Age.”

Feeling Invisible
I’m 54, and part of the largest single demographic group in the history of the world. Our buying power is huge, and we are a political powerhouse. Invisible? Hardly. But as I entered my 50s, I sometimes felt as though I was being pushed aside, ignored and not young or interesting enough to have a voice in the world, as I once did. Luckily, I got a grip, and realized that we have to ignore the noise, embrace our age, not be afraid of it, accept that change is happening, and figure out the best way to address those changes, forging ahead with health and vitality.

Being Afraid of Aging
The best advice I can give you is this: be fearless after 50. Fear will stop you from pursuing your dreams, and could cause you to give up and give in, keeping you a prisoner in your comfort zone. This is the simple concept I learned from researching, writing and living the advice in my book; If you’re healthy, you feel good. If you feel good, you look good. If you feel good and look good and have a vision for your future, you feel even better. If you’ve got all that plus the knowledge how to stay that way, you feel amazing. And if you feel amazing, who cares about age?

Losing Control of Your Life
When I hit 50, I started to feel as though society had already mapped out my future: I would grow older, fade into the background, continue to pack on post-menopausal pounds, and decide that this was probably going to be how it was going to be. That’s where I was headed until I stopped in my tracks, and said no. Instead, I retreated, revised and re-emerged: I took control, and created a new future for myself which includes exercise, healthy eating, smart skincare, easy makeup and hair, simple style, and a whole new attitude. We can’t control getting older, but we can control how we do it.

Getting Overwhelmed by Too Much Information
Knowledge is power, right? So when I turned 50, I went on a quest to find the answers. I searched the Internet, bookstores and magazines, but it soon turned into information overload. Everybody had an opinion — and most of them conflicted with each other: Eat more protein. No, eat less protein. Take supplements. No, get all your nutrition from foods. You can wear jeans after 50. You can absolutely not wear jeans after 50. And everybody, it seems, wants to sell us something to lose weight or get rid of wrinkles. I was ready to throw the proverbial blanket over my head and stay there. Then one day, it hit me. I didn’t want lots of information; I wanted the best information on what I need to know now about getting older. So, I cut through the noise, and figured out what really works, and what doesn’t.

Ignoring Your Inner Kid
Smile, play, laugh, have fun, engage, connect. These are all essential for healthy aging. Don’t take yourself, or the world, too seriously. There will always be problems, but do we have to constantly dwell on them? Do you remember how much fun it was when you were a kid to just get outside and run around? I do that with my dog. We run (with walk breaks) four to five miles several times a week. Not only am I keeping my weight at a healthy level and exercising my heart, but all studies have shown that physical activity raises your endorphins and makes you feel good. Play games, engage in a hobby, stay in close touch with friends who care about you, and steer clear of those who don’t. Volunteer, and say Yay! as often as you can. It’s contagious.

Feeling Sorry for Yourself
It’s not always easy getting older, especially if you, or loved ones, are experiencing illness, loss, or difficult financial times. But, feeling sorry for yourself is counter-productive, as it only serves to keep you stuck where you are. Instead, take control, figure out what you need to make your situation easier (or at least, more tolerable), get help from others if you need it, and create a vision of your life which includes getting and staying fit, so you can more readily shoulder whatever comes your way in the future.

Not Having a Financial Plan
I interviewed Jane Bryant Quinn, the internationally known financial expert and author, for my book. Jane is a conservative thinker when it comes to financial planning, and she gave me some very good advice for people approaching 50: as we’re heading toward retirement — which probably won’t happen until we’re closer to 70 due to many converging factors — we have to ask ourselves how we’re going to afford to live. One of the most stressful things any of us can go through is financial uncertainty. This is where the simple part comes in: save more, and spend less. No magic… just basic common sense. And understand the different kinds of insurance we need as we get older. You may want to consider hiring a fee-only financial planner to get started.

The last paragraph of my book succinctly sums up my simple philosophy on living a good life after 50, and I’d like to share it with you here:

For the rest of your life: love yourself, love your life, stay as healthy as you can, move your body, be informed, stay engaged, use your mind, keep a handle on your finances, be bold, be brave, walk with confidence, live with style . . . and you will always have the best of everything.

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IN PRAISE OF OLDER MOTHERS

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

Full disclosure: I am an older mother. My first daughter was born when I was almost 38, and my youngest entered the world three days before my 41st birthday. Even though I’m 54 and going through the tumultuous teenage years, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Usually, I don’t think about it, except when I attend a meeting at my 13-year old daughter’s school and look around to see the faces of the other parents who are easily 10 years younger. This week, however, several articles appeared on the Huffington Post, focusing on the qualities that constitute a “superior mother,” and others on the challenges of aging, creating a perfect storm in my head, and inspiring me to think about the benefits of being an older mother.

Most American women enter motherhood during their twenties and thirties, many even in their teens. However, according to a study from the Pew Research Center, teen births are on the decline, but women who have their first babies after age 35 is on the rise. Clearly, I’m not alone.

The demography of motherhood in the United States has shifted strikingly in the past two decades. In 1990, there were more births to teenagers than to women ages 35 and older. By 2008, that had reversed — 14 percent of births were to older women and 10 percent were to teens. Births to women ages 35 and older grew 64 percent between 1990 and 2008, increasing in all major race and ethnic groups.

No matter what age one is when becoming a parent, the truth is, none of us are ever fully prepared. But, I believe that, generally speaking, older mothers — especially those who have spent time in the workplace (often the main reason why women delay having babies) — are often better equipped to handle the trials and tribulations of motherhood, and everything that comes with it, than their younger counterparts.

After graduating college in 1978, I immediately became the quintessential working woman, and building my career was the sole focus of my universe. I was attending graduate school, and working full time, leaving little room for much else. Getting married and having children was always part of my “life plan,” but not while I was working so hard to establish myself in the world, and gaining considerable knowledge and skills that I instinctively knew would come in handy when I finally became a mother. The Pew Research Center report suggests that this is one of the key reasons why women delayed starting families until later in life during the last twenty years:

Since 1990, birth rates have risen for all women ages 30 and older. The rate increases have been sharpest for women in the oldest age groups — 47 percent for women ages 35-39 and 80 percent for women ages 40-44, for example.

This delay in age of motherhood is associated with delay in age of marriage and with growing educational attainment. The more education a woman has, the later she tends to marry and have children. Birth rates also have risen for the most educated women, those with at least some college education, while being relatively stable for women with less education. These dual factors have worked together to increase the education levels of mothers of newborns.

Associate Professor of Communication and Culture at the University of Calgary, Aradhana Parmar, who is also a professor of Women’s Studies, supported this premise in a recent article. She believes passionately that women can benefit considerably from the ability to have later pregnancies, and emphasized that there are far more women professionals in the workplace than at any time in history; by the time they have built their careers and furthered their education, many are in their 30s before they are able to “settle down” to family life.

That was me. By the time I met my future husband, I was ready for marriage, and for motherhood. During my twenties and thirties, I attended graduate school, did research projects, started a magazine, and eventually became a top executive at a major publishing company, where I was responsible for managing many people, with many different kinds of personalities. Along the way, I learned invaluable skills and tools that are important for success in business, and absolute essential in motherhood. For example:

  • fostering creativity and problem solving
  • building confidence in others
  • encouraging positive and respectful negotiation
  • promoting cooperation, especially between siblings
  • managing schedules
  • understanding finances

One of the most important benefits to my family, however, was the fact that since I had already spent two decades building a career, by the time I became a mother, I was able to spend more time on building my family life, and less on my work. Work was, and still is, very important to me, but after having my children, my priorities were able to shift without a lot of things falling out of place. And, I truly felt that I no longer needed to prove myself, which is one of the many benefits of getting older.

You might think, rightly so, that there are many women who are, and have been, building careers and starting families in their twenties and thirties, and can bring the same set of management skills to their mothering, as I did to mine. Of course they can, and they do.

The key is this: It was my choice. Society did not impose its will on me, as it had on my mother and grandmother’s generations. I was able to pursue a career and wait to start my family because that’s what I chose to do. And, except for the occasional musing of how I’m going to keep up with two extremely energetic teenagers who are growing into two strong, beautiful young women, I know that, for me, I have chosen wisely.

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