Archive for March, 2010

IT’S TIME TO RE-FRAME HOW WE LOOK AT HOW WE LOOK

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Hi Everyone,

I went to an author talk last night at Barnes & Noble.  It was . . . disconcerting. 

The book was “Face It” and the authors are two former models, now in their mid-50s, who are both therapists.  It was refreshing to hear them admit that women in their 50s (and over) are in a “beauty bind.”  In the past, women (like our grandmothers) aged together. The playing field was level.  Very few of them had the option to have any kind of plastic surgery.  Now?  We can choose between going forth with a wrinkled brow . . . or not.  What to do?

Full disclosure:  I have nothing against plastic surgery (nor do the authors). I haven’t  had any, nor have I taken the Botox route.  But I might.  Sometimes I look tired, even when I’m not, and that bothers me.  I don’t want to look younger, just not tired, and there, I think, lies part of the issue.

It’s when a woman feels she MUST look younger than she is to compete for

a man

a job

a spot in the world without feeling invisible

. . . that she does things she may not want to do (like plastic surgery).  The authors also pointed out that if a woman feels she is aging and is losing the battle to compete, she can get depressed and engage in unhealthy and counter-productve behaviors like drinking too much and developing eating disorders that are normally associated with much younger women.  Why, why, why would we do that to ourselves?

The author talk  made me feel very down last night.  It started me thinking about all the ways the media makes us feel like aging is such a horrible thing.  Books with titles like “How Not to Look Old” and magazine covers and ads with perfect, young bodies and faces, just perpetuates the belief that ”young is better.” Yes, it’s always been like this, but the means to achieve a more youthful look have never been more accessiblethan they are now.  All you have to do is go to a Botox Party.

When I woke up this morning, I felt very different. I decided that this was a kind of wake up call to me, and to all women, no matter what our ages!  

What I mean is:  it’s time to re-frame how we look at how we look.  We can’t look 20 when we’re 40, because we’re not.  We can’t look 30 when we’re 50, because we’re  not.  I’m not saying to give up and give in! Far from it!  I’m saying that your goal should be — no matter what your age — to be healthy, fit, fantastic, and fearless!  Be gorgeous at 50, based on what a gorgeous 50 year old should look like!  You can’t be 30.  It simply isn’t possible.  And, if you make “looking 30″ or even just “looking younger” your goal . . . you’re in for a lot of heartache.  You know that whole “50 is the new 40″ thing?  It’s crap.  It’s nonsense.  It’s not true.  “50 is the new 50,” “60 is the new 60″ . . . and so on. 

Embrace, engage, take control, and LIVE your life.  Take care of your body, exercise your mind, be a part of the world, and I promise you — wrinkles and all — you will be the most glorious woman alive!!

Best of everything,

Barbara

WHAT’S IN YOUR WALLET?

Friday, March 19th, 2010

Hi Everyone,

AARP.

Yes, THAT AARP.  The one that starts sending notices to your home, office, anywhere they can find you . . . just to remind you that you are, indeed, turning 50.

As if you needed a reminder, like a dentist appointment.

But, my question of the day is: Why does it fill people with such dread?  Why do some of us freak out when we get those friendly, welcoming letters, inviting us to join a HUMONGOUS group of people (over 40 million members at last count), and rip the letter to shreds?

Why?

Are we upset because we’re turning 50 and don’t want to be reminded?

A few years ago, I was one of those people who started to get the letters . . . with increasing regularity . . . and while not exactly filled with dread, I do recall feeling a tad grumpy.  I was okay with turning 50, just as I  had been fine with 40 and 30, but I was annoyed because I always believed that AARP was for the “old folks at home.”  Definitely not for someone like me.  So, why were they bugging me, and wasting all those trees?  And,  why were they pestering someone who wasn’t even retired, and had no interest in retiring.  Ever.  On the contrary, I was just gearing up for a whole new career as an author . . . and an expert on life after 50!  So, no.  AARP was not what I had in mind.

But, they are persistent. They know that eventually you’ll come around, and they just keep at you until you do.

One day, when I was enjoying my last few weeks of being 50, and inching toward 51, another envelope arrived.  I sat down, was just about to rip away . . . but then, I stopped, and instead read every word on every piece of paper inside that envelope.  I had been rude, and disrespectful (or so I felt at that moment), and decided to be nice, and at least see what they had to say. 

Okay, I admit it. They had me, and they kept me. I now have a five-year AARP membership card in my wallet, which will renew automatically. Why?

The question shouldn’t be “Why?”.  It’s “Why Not?”  Why not be a member of AARP? In addition to having worn me down, I soon realized how amazing this organization really is. It’s nice to know that such a powerful group is looking out for me, my concerns, my finances, my health, and my needs . . . and not those young whipper snappers in their 40s. AARP is an invaluable resource, has a powerful lobby in D.C. where they wage battles for the rights of everyone over 50, and they put out a really good magazine each month.  I figured if Bruce Springsteen still feels cool being on the cover, I could still feel cool being a member

Some of you will make fun of me.  But, I’m cool with that. Tell me what club you belong to that works as hard for their 40 million members, and I’ll listen.

Best of everything,

Barbara

KNOCK! KNOCK! WHO’S THERE? WOMEN OVER 50, THAT’S WHO!!

Sunday, March 14th, 2010

Dear Everyone,

I was against Facebook.  I thought it would be a waste of time, and a way of sneaking peeks  into the lives of strangers as they posted photos of kids, trips, and dogs.

I was so wrong.

Well, there is alot of that . . . and it’s all great . . .  BUT . . . it’s so much more.

Who knew?

Who knew that on Facebook there would be gazillions of women my age reaching out to other gazillions of women my age . . . to connect, to share, to help, to support, to encourage.  And, yes, to show off photos of their kids, trips and dogs.   I love seeing the “real lives” of all my new Facebook friends.  It helps to make the connection even stronger.

Women want to be heard . . . but they also want to hear. 

Turning 50 is not always easy.  It can be filled with all kinds of new changes on all levels, and connecting with other women who are going through the same thing is . . . comforting and empowering.

I was stuck in the mire when I turned 50.  Not because I was freaked out by being 50, but I just wasn’t prepared.  It had sneaked up on me, and I  had far too many questions. 

Before I became a Facebook Fanatic, I did my own research and sought out the advice of many esteemed experts, all of whom helped me to understand the new challenges that come with turning 50, and how to deal with them.  I shared everything I learned in a book.

Now that I’ve discovered and embraced Facebook, I will continue to share what I learn with all my new “after 50 friends” . . .  BUT, I also want to hear and learn from them. 

Encourage all your women friends over 50 to join Facebookand become part of the ongoing conversations.  Some studies  have shown that one of the largest growth segments for Facebook is women over 50! The more we connect, the more powerful we will be!

Best of everything,

Barbara

CAN YOU EAT TOO MUCH KALE?

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

I have an addiction to kale.

Especially kale lightly sauteed with sliced almonds and organic dried cranberries, with just a drop of olive oil and a pinch of sea salt.

I eat it every day.

Sometimes twice a day.

Always with brown rice.

Can one eat too much kale?

Kale has calcium, vitamin D, and lots of other good stuff.  How could anyone eat too much good stuff?

I worry every day that today will be THE day that I grow sick of eating kale.

What would replace it?

It’s irreplaceable.

I guess it’s better to have an addiction to kale than to alot of other things.

Best of everything,

Barbara

“The Fearless 50s” by Amy Ferris (author of “Marrying George Clooney: Confessions from a Midlife Crisis” and my first guest-blogger!)

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

Hi Everyone,

I love Amy Ferris.  I love her book– Marrying George Clooney: Confessions from a Midlife Crisis–and I love her honesty.  She writes things that the rest of us only think.  She is fearless.  Read on . . .

The Fearless 50’s

by Amy Ferris

www.marryinggeorgeclooney.com/blog

Some days are hard. You feel a bit cranky, a bit overwhelmed, a bit underrated, a bit overlooked and a bit undervalued. You wait.

For a sign, a moment, a gift from the goddesses.

Some of us … oh, wait a minute, let me correct that … many of us – who are in our 50’s often expect less than. I don’t know about you, but my mom was not a go-getter. She was not a woman who believed in the concept of follow-through. She was a very impatient, compulsive, a “live by the seat of your pants” kind of woman. And while it got her through her life, she did not instill in me a great deal of courage or fearlessness … but a sense of urgency, immediacy as in: if I don’t get it now, right now, this minute – then fuck it. I was not taught – at least not by her example – the vital importance of living life boldly, with audacity, with a sense of power and amazement and the honest to goodness truth that if you want something bad enough, and are willing to put everything on the line, you will not only get what it is you want, but you might even get something bigger and better and more than you dreamed possible, in other words, to be completely and utterly courageous. That is something I learned on my own by belonging to, and being a part of many extraordinary communities. From creative organization’s, to spiritual movements, to writers salon’s, to Media connections and the most powerful community of all: women and friendship.

Which brings me to today, this morning.

Today – this morning – I had the amazing pleasure and pure joy of speaking with and connecting (live, no less) to Barbara Hannah Grufferman on the phone. I’m not quite sure how we sort of originally reached out to each other, no doubt based on the fact that we both have written books that are about midlife, the journey, the joys, the difficulties, and the sheer beauty and power of being women in our 50’s. But we became ‘viral/virtual’ friends first – supporting, and rooting for each other daily on blogs and facebook, and through e-mails. We both have a deep sense of compassion, a generosity of spirit, along with the need and desire to reach out and help create a new community of women — not only for and with our peers, but for the next generation of women. A vibrant, sexy, new midlife movement.

From the moment she said hello, we just chatted and gabbed and talked and talked… and shared everything — everything — and then Barbara said something that moved and shook my universe, she said, “I am fearless, Amy, I will do anything, absolutely anything, what’s the worst that can happen, someone will say no…”

And there it is folks, right there. Being fearless. The way Barbara said it, the power in her voice, there was no maybe or what if, it was direct. Clear. She is a lioness.

So, armed with both a new fearless friend, and a desire to move my life up a notch, I decided right there, in that moment, that I will do something every single day from a place called ‘fearless.’ I will do one thing  every single day – one thing – that I am afraid to do. 

So, a campaign begins: THE FEARLESS 50’s.

Today I’m getting in touch with O Magazine about my book. I tried once, nothing happened, and I just dropped it. Just like that. I dropped it. Well, I’m going to try again. And yes, they can say no again, no thank you.

And since Barbara is such a powerhouse, such a gorgeous, generous soul, I’m going to take this opportunity to share a few other things on my own personal FEARLESS 50’s list:

To start writing … another book, or two – to give up “waiting to be wanted.”

To have my own column in a magazine (and yes, get paid!)

To open my life to all and every possibility without trying to control the outcome (THIS SCARES THE HELL OUT ME!!!!!)

To say NO more, YES less and mean it. To not waver in my own feelings or opinions.

And the thing is, being fearless isn’t about someone saying no to me, or not responding to me, or even liking or not liking me … it’s about me taking an action, doing something, anything and everything that scares the hell out of me.

THROW OUT YOUR BLOW DRYER!

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Hi Everyone,

Do you even know what your hair is anymore? 

After decades of blow-drying and pulling and stretching and coloring and perming  . . . how could anyone know?

Years ago I had a long talk with my hair.  I made a very strong case, but it simply refused to listen. The battle lines were drawn.  My hair wanted to be curly, and me?  Nope.  It was 1969 — a year full of rebellions — and I had to look like a Mamma from the Mammas and the Pappas– straight hair, parted down the middle.  Hello, orange juice cans and Dippity Do.

Until the 1970s when I discovered the Farrah Fawcett look and the blow-dryer, all in the same year. 

The 80s .  .  . well, let’s just forget about the 80s.

In the 90s, my hair had to be blow-dried and ironed straight and sleek by the latest hot stylist.  Rain?  I stayed in.  Humidity?  Baseball cap. 

Well, I won the war, but lost the battle. As I entered my 50s, I no longer had hair.  I had road kill.

After alot of digging, I finally found the solution – letting my hair be what it was meant to be.  No more blow-drying (unless I’m in a terrible rush and it’s 32 degrees or colder), and alot less shampoo (especially shampoo with sulfates). 

Try it.

Best of Everything,

Barbara